Rebuilding
by kali82
Summary: Four Times Melinda Didn't Mean to Hurt Phil Coulson (and One Time She Sort of Did)


_Notes: Written for Gray Cardinal, who said that "Chemistry is everything" for these two. They make a great team even when they aren't getting along._

_Disclaimer: Marvel and ABC own everyone here – I'm just meddling in these characters' lives._

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* * *

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**Cavalry**

The day Melinda May walked out into the scorching desert sun, bloody, bruised, and blank-faced, Phil Coulson's heart broke. He saw the hurt in every line of her as she stalked from the compound, graceful as ever but with a tension that was visible even in a grainy satellite image.

By the time Melinda reached their base of operations, something in her had shut down. Phil could feel it in her rigid back as he helped her remove her gear. His dearest friend, his confidant, wingman, and partner in mischief, was in pain like he'd never seen before. It radiated from her like heat, reducing his attempts to give support to ash.

Over the next few months that heat faded and with it, a friendship that had been the stuff of S.H.E.I.L.D. legend

.

Melinda was well aware of what she was doing. She had realized in that compound in Bahrain that she couldn't take risks with other people's lives unless she was able to maintain distance. Her mother had been right: there was no room for sentimentality in an operative's mind, no space for the distractions of emotional attachment in the field. It was self-indulgent and dangerous.

So she stepped away, as much as she was able. She gently withdrew from her casual friendships, and refrained from engaging in social events of any kind. It wasn't difficult; she had always been inclined towards a solitary lifestyle anyway. The only real challenge was Phil Coulson.

Extricating Phil from her life was as delicate an operation as any Melinda had ever undertaken. He was her closest friend, had been since their third week of Introductory Operations Planning when he confided in her that he had brought his Captain America trading cards to the Academy but had then felt so embarrassed that he mailed them home. There was something so disarmingly genuine about Phil that Melinda couldn't help herself and suddenly she had a best friend without even meaning to. It had been an interesting experience but it had to stop. Distance had to be maintained. It was the best choice for everyone.

* * *

**Red Tape **

Phil knew he was guilty of allowing their friendship to fail. Melinda withdrew from his life as gracefully as she did everything else. Where once they met for dinner weekly, it became monthly, quarterly, and finally only on the occasion of his birthday or hers. Initially he lied to himself and others, saying he was 'giving her space' to recover from the events of Bahrain.

After a while, though, his hurt turned to quiet anger. Each solo mission Melinda chose was a reminder that their partnership had broken up. Each new operations officer she worked with felt like a slap in the face. The way she would glance away from him when they crossed paths at the Hub started a slow burn in his gut. This went on for several months, until Pepper Potts pulled him aside at a fund-raiser one evening.

"What's going on with you, Phil?" she asked. "You've been more taciturn than usual tonight."

"It's just a work thing," he said vaguely.

Pepper wasn't that easily put off. "That's not a 'work thing' face. So what's going on?"

It didn't take her long to extract the whole story from him. Phil found himself sitting in a quiet side room with Pepper and a plate of quite excellent canapes. Popping another stuffed mushroom into his mouth, he chewed thoughtfully as she recapped the situation.

"So you're mad at Melinda for avoiding you because she's in pain?"

"When you put it that way..." Phil swallowed the now taste-free mushroom.

"It's not your place to judge how Melinda is working through the aftermath of a mission. If she doesn't want your help, you can't help her. Trust me, I know," she said with a rueful smile. "You need to find a way to accept her choice."

"I'm not judging her. I know she needs some time," he said defensively. "We can find a balance again if I just give her enough time, right?"

"That sad face, the anger, making imaginary bargains... Oh, Phil. You're grieving, grieving the loss of a friendship," Pepper said sympathetically. "I know it hurts, but you have to realize that this distance she's created is part of your relationship with Melinda now."

After his conversation with Pepper, Phil make a conscious choice to face the truth and accept Melinda's decision to remove herself from his life. He found with time that he was able to be around his former best friend without sadness. Until the day he heard that she'd taken an administrative job and left the field.

.

Melinda's choice to work a desk wasn't made lightly. She considered her options for several months: switching from operations to logistics, joining the Academy instructor corps, even transferring to another agency. She was sitting in the Ops lounge, reading an email from a friend at the NSA, when Maria Hill dropped into the chair opposite.

"Thinking of leaving us?"

Melinda's eyebrow spoke for her.

"I may be able to read upside down. And I may also have heard a few rumours."

"I haven't decided anything yet."

"You've decided to leave operations." It wasn't a question. "Just tell me you aren't leaving S.H.I.E.L.D. I don't think I can take it here without our Thursday vodka and venting sessions. And if Natasha keeps running off with these Avengers, you're the only one I can depend on. Well, when you're not running off yourself."

Melinda smiled faintly.

"You know, if you got a job at the Hub, you'd always make it for V and V. Ever considered a flying a desk instead a Quinjet?" Maria suggested.

So Melinda considered it. Soon after, she was shown to a gray cubicle in a gray room. It was one of the most featureless spaces she had been in, and she had spent three days in a solitary confinement cell in Kazakhstan.

Over time, though, she became comfortable in her cubicle. There was a certain peace to be found in routine, forms, paperwork. The repetition reminded her of Tai Chi, bringing on a meditative state. Time passed. She filled requisitions and filed files. She went out for Thursday drinks with Maria Hill. She worked towards perfecting her forms and kata. It was quiet and solitary.

If her day was occasionally brightened by Phil Coulson dropping in to ramble on about missions and operations centre politics, that was an unexpected pleasure that she was no longer willing to deny herself. And if she noticed the sadness in Phil's eyes at seeing her wearing a gray suit, sitting at a gray desk, it was a small hurt compared to the wound that kept her at her desk.

* * *

**Toy Boy **

"Agent Ward and I have been having sex."

Phil felt his stomach perform an elegant flip as it attempted to choke him. Fortunately, their target chose that moment to come into view, distracting him from his unexpected reaction to May's revelation. He threw Lola into gear with an unnecessary growl of the engine and gave chase.

Later, he considered his reaction to Melinda's admission. It wasn't as though it were a revelation, he had to admit. He was well aware of Melinda's arrangement with Ward, as he had been of all her previous arrangements. She never spoke of these liaisons, but she didn't hide her lovers from him. Melinda's relationships were classy and uncomplicated, but never clandestine.

Still, knowing about the relationship and talking about it were two different things. Phil and Melinda rarely ever talked about their lovers. It was an pact that they had formed years before, when their friendship had been close enough that it had been known to intimidate potential romantic partners. Only a relationship that warranted serious consideration made it to the point of introductions. For Phil, that had been Audrey; for Melinda, Simon. And now, apparently, Ward.

Now that the initial surprise had passed, Phil was starting to realize that what he was really feeling was hurt. Hurt to realize that Melinda had apparently fallen for the young Specialist in such a short period of time. Hurt by the idea that she was opening herself up to a relationship with Grant Ward, even as she continued to keep Phil at a distance. Hurt to think that Ward, who seemed barely capable of forming close emotional bonds, had managed to connect so quickly with Melinda when he, her former best friend, had struggled for years to rebuild their relationship.

.

"If he was a specialist, I would have been dead," Ward said seriously. "It was that kind of look."

Melinda glanced over her shoulder at him as she pulled up her trousers. "Don't be ridiculous. Get dressed."

Ward raised his eyebrows. "Why? We aren't expected back for for another three hours." He shifted only slightly but it sent the sheet sliding to the floor.

Melinda was impressed. Not impressed enough to take her clothes off again, but she smiled faintly to let him know she admired his technique – he had obviously put a lot of work into that move. Ward heaved a petulant sigh and sat up.

"Alright, fine. Am I going back first, or are you?" he asked. "Or do we even need to bother sneaking around now that Coulson knows?"

"I'm going shopping," Melinda said. "And it isn't sneaking around. It's respect for the team. For Coulson. Who is not mad at you."

"If you say so. I'm just telling you what I saw." Grant pushed himself out of the bed. "I'm going to shower. I'll see you back at the Bus."

Melinda waited until he closed the bathroom door before rolling her eyes. He was, yet again, acting oddly immaturely for someone of his age and field experience. As soon as she had mentioned that she talked to Phil, Ward had become hyper-sensitive. It was ridiculous to think that Phil would be sending the young specialist threatening looks. She had never known him to be bothered by her affairs in past. Ward was imagining things.

* * *

**Snitch **

Phil glared at the door that Melinda had closed behind her. He was torn between calling her back to continue their argument and a desire to never see her again. Anger roiled in his gut, leaving him nauseated and unsettled. He could not believe that Melinda would do this to him. Keeping secrets was one thing: operatives always kept secrets from each other. However, to manipulate him the way she had, that was unforgivable.

Phil could have totally believed that Fury would play this sort of game with him. It was almost to be be expected, since Nick Fury was famous for his belief in ends justifying means. And there was the part where Fury was an underhanded, manipulative asshole. Still, it was that single-minded sense of purpose that made him so valuable to S.H.I.E.L.D.

Melinda, on the other hand, was honest. She might keep her secrets close, but he had never known her to lie to him. That was made this betrayal so much worse. To use their connection, her knowledge of him, to trick him into this situation... it was hard to believe.

.

"And don't tell me it's because you care so damn much. Fury's no longer around telling you what to do, so why are you here? You want some orders to follow? Follow mine, or find somewhere else to be."

Phil's angry words echoed in her head as Melinda made her way back to the Bus. She couldn't believe he was so upset with her. Her every choice had been made with his best interests in mind. If anything, she had been protecting him from Fury and those in S.H.E.I.L.D who would have used him in more dangerous and abusive ways.

She found herself standing in the door of the cockpit, suddenly unwilling to enter her former safe space. The compartment where her hard-line phone had hidden was hanging open. Her mind flashed back to Fitz's look of shock and fear. Another person who saw her actions as betrayal, rather than protection.

Melinda was amazed at how much the hurt in Fitz's eyes had hurt her in turn. When she had assembled this team, it was an operations decision based on who would most benefit the mission. She had not expected to connect to them any more than she had her fellow cubicle dwellers. Instead, Melinda found she was fond of the group she had put together: the tiny, socially awkward scientists, the emotionally stunted specialist, and Phil's pet hacker.

She cared about these people, and now Phil was using that against her. Melinda knew it was his anger lashing out at her, but that didn't mean she had to sit here and take it. She built a team that could save Phil from himself. She had followed her orders and that mission was complete. It was time for Melinda to decide on her own missions now.

* * *

**Rebuilding **

Melinda left the base with no ceremony. It wasn't worth the bother – she knew that Phil would be hurt by her choice to leave. While that wasn't entirely the point of her departure, it was a nice side effect. The longer she considered his ultimatum, the more her hurt feelings had turned to anger.

She was incredibly mad at him for questioning her commitment to the mission, to him. Melinda had never not followed Phil's orders, in any circumstance. She might have worked around him, when the mission required, but she had never betrayed him or disobeyed him. The idea was ludicrous.

Still, even in her anger and hurt, she knew that she had a new mission to complete. She was going to find the truth about T.A.H.I.T.I. so she and the team could protect Phil from those who would hurt him, and from himself. Fury might be dead, but that didn't mean her job was done. She owed it to Phil and the team. More importantly, she owed it to herself to find out what exactly was going on and to fix it as much as she was able.

Each helping hand she encountered on her journey to the truth asked Melinda the same question: Why? Why was she so determined to unearth the truth? Why was she so committed to fighting this impossible fight?

As she meditated, strapped into the side of a cargo plane headed to meet the team, Melinda found herself contemplating these questions. The obvious answer was that she was a S.H.E.I.L.D. agent and this was her job. Unfortunately, as everyone from her mother on down kept pointing out, S.H.E.I.L.D. no longer existed. That meant her job no longer existed. So why keep working any mission, why continue chasing the truth?

Against the noise and vibration of the plane, the calm certainty of the answer was soothing. Melinda realized she had known the truth for a long time. The walls that she had built for herself in the aftermath of Bahrain were crumbling. She was not able to keep a safe distance from her team anymore, and she no longer felt the need to. Instead, she truly cared for Simmons and Skye. She felt a tolerant affection for Fitz and Ward.

And, in the spirit of honesty, she had to admit that even after everything she did to push him out of her life and her heart, Phil Coulson was still her closest and dearest friend.

.

Phil sat under an umbrella by the pool. The light breeze carried a hint of salt along with the lilting strains of the groundskeepers' radio. In moments like this, he was almost able to pretend that all was right in the world. Too bad it wasn't.

He heard the quiet creak of the chaise lounge beside him settling beneath a person's weight. It was a subtle sound, not the enthusiastic squeal of Skye or Simmons dropping into a chair. There wasn't enough of a noise for a person of Tripp's size, and Fitz would probably have started talking even as he sat, so that left one option.

"Silent treatment?" Melinda asked. "Pretty sure that's my specialty. Trust me, I can wait you out. Remember Pretoria?"

Phil couldn't hide his smile. "Stop that," he ordered. "I'm mad at you," he added.

"I'm mad at me, too," Melinda said flatly. "For agreeing to Fury's ridiculous plans. For not seeing the truth sooner. And for not telling you the truth." She sighed deeply. "I'm mad at you, too."

That was a surprise. Phil cracked his eyes open and found she was lying back on her chair, avoiding his gaze.

"You sent me away," she said abruptly.

"You hid the truth from me."

"I protected you."

"You left me," he said.

There was a long pause. Phil realized that he was holding his breath. He slowly exhaled through his nose, hoping Melinda wouldn't notice.

"I didn't want to leave," she said, finally, "but I had to find the truth. I knew you wouldn't forgive me, that I wouldn't forgive myself, until we knew everything."

"And now we know. Was it worth it?"

"Anything's better than not knowing," was Melinda' answer. "And I couldn't have any more secrets getting between us. It hurt."

Phil didn't bother to conceal his surprise. "I didn't realize..."

"You're my best friend, Phil," she said quietly. "I know that we haven't been close for a while..."

His breath caught in his throat. "A while. Yeah," he choked out.

"...but these past months, on the Bus, with the team, it made me realize something. I'm done shutting people out." Melinda turned to face him. "I'm done shutting you out. So if you think we can move past what's happened, I want to stay with the team."

"I'm ready to try," he said. "You know, I couldn't imagine doing this without you."

"Of course not. You'd be lost without me," Melinda teased. "Let's go get the team."

"Our team," Phil smiled back. "Let's go get our team."


End file.
